A vulnerable post.
Know that you are not alone.
This is what it looks and feels like, but it’s different for everyone.
*Please do not read if you are in a sad headspace*
Most of my followers by now will know discussing mental health is an important topic to me, where it should be taken seriously, like we do when taking care of our physical health.
For a long time, I thought it was me being a p*ssy to the world, or a snowflake. Trust me, I still feel like that, but have come to realise mental health really is a serious issue. Brains truly are built differently. I don’t know what connectivity there is in my brain, but it seems multiple wires are connected to a panic-button reaction instead of just the one wire.
As a result, I want to be alone so no one has to deal with this, but then feel lonely – there’s a difference between being alone and lonely. All you want is for someone to listen. Then they’ll tell you to take it one step at a time, but it’s no use. There will always be the next thing to worry about.
I’ve tried CBT – how condescending. I refuse drugs – who wants their hormones messed up even further? I exercise: I’m lucky if I don’t cry part-way through my workout.
Right now, I write this post-cry at work. I’m exhausted. I’ve been here before and I’m stuck on the hamster wheel of working to sustain a living whilst living with constant anxiety and further pending burnout. Sore, snotty nose. Dry eyes. Sniffles.
My muscles ache. My brain hurts, as if the battle of many, yet empty, thoughts zig zag in my mind is causing great pressure that filters out of my tear ducts. A permanent headache. I’ve become a bitter person to be around – although my boyfriend would very much disagree, suggesting most of it is in my head, which is what happens when you’re stuck with it 24/7. I go to bed tired. I wake up tired. There’s no energy for the hobbies to create energy and serotonin (happy hormone).
Everywhere you look, the world is full of such sadness. Conflict. War-torn countries. And there’s me complaining about feeling tired and unfulfilled and not knowing what I want to do with my life. I hate social media, yet it is my job.
I’m angry. I’m tired. I’m pissed off. I’m negative. I’m feeling negative about being negative for goodness’ sake. I’ve lost so much weight, turning into this scrawny excuse of a woman.
I miss the person I used to be, full of energy to pursue her passions outside of work, hoping they’d turn into something, but now that energy has ceased to exist, halting those passions in their stead.
I’m so grateful to be going on holiday soon, but know all I’m going to be thinking about is work when I get back, along with the fear of when (not if) I’ll end up like this again.
The relief of getting this out helps a tad, but I feel it’s important to capture and share with those who feel truly alone and don’t know what to do.
Let’s hope we can find a way out together. xx
Lizzie's Week 